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It all comes tunbling down

You know when your life is going good, you have amazing people in your life, and everything is just going plain awesome and you know that something will happen to ruin it. Well I can now say I know that karma has literally got me right where it wants me. I have literally gone from being on cloud 9 to being so low that nothing mattered. Not the new car, not the job, not one single thing and all of it came tumbling down within an hour. It was your typical day, I worked and then went and had a mother/daughter night, watched Silver Linings Playbook and had some Hungry Howies pizza. I had to open the store the next morning so I left early, I ended up not going straight home because Drew wanted to put my stereo in for me. Well I knew something wasn't right because he hadn't been talking to me as much and things had just been really weird. Also he was drunk and was on some other stuff and was smoking, again. I didn't really think anything of it until he said "I just wanted to get this done for you because I know you won't ever wanna see me again" The one thing that needs to be explained here to fully understand it, me and drew had met a while back and we both got to close to quick and then both ran away from our feelings pretty much. We ended up getting back in contact with each other and clearly our friendship, the chemistry and just everything never really went away. He knew how I felt about him, but we both weren't even close to ready for anything, but being the true blue girl that I am, I threw caution to the wind and fell hard and fast. I thought what we had was something that would eventually mature into something, I didn't want to rush into anything, but little did I know that he was willing to rush right into something with someone else. He told me that everything happened and was decided on Saturday (also the day he told me) but when I did a little investigating like the girl that I am, I found out that it went official the day before. He told me that he cared about me and he really wanted us to stay friends because I mean the world to him, but he needs to see if things could work out with this other girl. You don't even wanna get me started on the other girl. I am not the prettiest, but sometimes there are people that you see and think, what a bad gene pool they came from. I know that's ruid, but it somewhat makes me feel a bit better knowing that I am not the only one who thinks she needs a little help. Anyway, he talked to me for a few days and then started getting mad about the stupidest things and was making a big deal and calling me a drama queen. Ok, any female would agree with me, the first few hours, days after a break up any one of us are a little crazy with the emotions. Especially when you aren't just loosing your bestfriend but you are also loosing the guy you fell in love with. Anyone knows that females are emotional, that's they way of the world. Finally after 3 days of going back and forth we both agree to just not talk to each other. Then out of the blue he texts me and says "I'm sorry for everything I did, I was just confused and didn't know what I wanted and now things are all messed up and complicated, I just can't have you talking to me right now because you make me confused even more." I don't know what that means because unfortunetly I am not a genius when it comes to guys, I know drew like the back of my hand and something just isn't right with the way he is acting and the way he was saying of the things he said. I know that I could be trying to find a crack in there relationship and deep down I want him to be happy with  or without me, but I will NOT loose a friendship over some stupid chick and I am willing to fight for this friendship even if I end up hurt worse than I am now. It's been a week today that everything went from amazing to shit and I for someone reason am in a way better mood. I know that I could have handled things different, but when the one you love is pushing you away and telling you one thing and completely acting another way makes things confusing and makes you think that there is something else going on that isn't being said. All I know is that my heart is torn apart, I don't have one of my bestfriends and all I can think about is how am I going to move on knowing that he might not be truly happy. I guess I will just rebuild the bricks that have fallen and make sure this time they are stronger and move on and make sure the next time I take a chance on someone, I know and they know that things are clearly moving towards an area that could lead to one or both of us being hurt.

Unknown

I honestly don't know what to call this one because right now I'm not thinking straight, I'm kinda on cruise control. I had a decent day yesterday, then shit literally went down the drain and only in a matter of 15 minutes. I never thought that I would loose someone who has become to mean so much to me. I don't wannna miss him, but unfortunetly I do. I don't wanna still love him, but I do. I just wish I could be like some guys and not feel anything, but right now I'm feeling everything and it's killing me not to text him and try to fix things, but I can't do that when clearly he doesn't wanna be around me or want anything to do with me unless we are just friends. I just really wanna know what brought all this on, I know that we had a little tiff the night before but nothing that would have brought all this on. His exact words "I don't wanna hurt you because you are an amazing person. You are the best I have ever had. I just don't want things to be awkward and I wanna protect you from people and be the shoulder you can cry on." What is someone supposed to say to that? I'm clearly in love with him and it sucks to realize this when you know he isn't ready for a relationship and especially when you know that he will never want one besides friendship with you. But when you tell him that you just want him to let you go, he tells you he can't because he cares about you....I don't care that you care, I only care about the fact that I'm being torn apart by knowing that all you want to be is friends, knowing that I never really had a chance with you in the first place.  Sometimes a person can't help who they fall for and sometimes they fall knowing that they never had a chance. So, basically my feelings for the day and for however long it will take are unknown, I know I feel like I was hit by a freight train at full speed, I feel like I just lost my bestfriend and that's what really hurts. He became my best friend and the guy I love with everything and in a 15 minutes I lost both.  Of course now that I'm talking about it all I wanna do is crawl in a ball and cry myself to sleep and never have to deal with anything that has to do with this crap at all.

Losing someone....rips you apart

I have been threw things that have made me think I couldn't handle anything else in my life, and I'm sure there were other people that have had to deal with the same thing in there life. But we all learn to move on and heal from it, but I can honestly say that I never thought that this time I would hurt so much.

On March 16th I got up at 3:30 to get ready for work, I had a decent beginning of the day, but then I got some bad news. On the way home my sister and my brother in law had been in accident. I was told my sister just had a broken leg, but it was more and they didn't want to tell me while I was at work. But later in the day I got several phone calls in a row and I knew something was wrong. I listened to the voicemail and knew right then and there that I was never going to be the same.

Me and my sister had a rough relationship, we didn't really know each other well, until I was about 18 and then we got close, then she moved to California and we lost contact, well about a year ago, she moved back because our fathers health wasn't the best and she wanted to be near by and also so his grandchildren could get to know him. During that time she became a mother of a gorgeous blue eyed black headed baby girl named Anna Lindsey. She was my sisters little angel, she had a step son that she considered hers and as far as he was concerned she was his mommy. I loved both Jackson and Anna with all my heart.

At 1:15 I got the news that my sister had been taken into surgery to repair her broken leg and also the head injury that she recieved when a drunk driver hit her and my brother in law when they were on the way home, she went threw the windshield. Her leg was fine, but when they tried to fix the swelling on the brain she went into cardiac arrest. What really makes things horrible, is that at 24 my sister had a DNR, because she didn't want to be kept alive by machines and didn't want them saving her because she thought "If it's my time to go, then, it's my time." I don't fault her for her choices, I just wish she wouldn't have done the DNR so soon in her life. She was 4 months along with another baby that everyone was so excited for.

When I listened to the voicemail I thought ok I can make it through that last 15 mins of my shift, but when a customer said "I need" made me just freak out, I slammed the register and walked off, I had to get out of there, my sister needed me, my niece and nephew needed me. I needed to see my sister. I coulnd't even manage to drive to the hospital. I was a wreck and when I saw my sister lying there so still and pale, I just started yelling, I wasn't mad, I was heartbroken. We just started getting closer and all I could think about was what I lost and that I was never going to see her again and it killed me to know that now Anna and Jackson wouldn't have a mother, and my brother in law Paul had lost his bestfriend and wife.

I went into focus mode, I stepped in and helped my brother in law with the kids, I was trying to stay so strong when I just had a melt down at work and had to cry. The day came when it was time to say our final good-bye. I couldn't cry, I got wasted, drank until I couldn't feel the pain anymore. I have been staying at my brother in laws and taking care of the kids when I can, they need both parents, but they will only ever have there father. My brother in law was having a rough time and almost walked out, his parents want him to sign full custody of both kids over to me. My nephews principal thinks he has some kind of mental disoder because he has been acting up. I am barely running on any sleep when I'm at work, which is stressfull enough seeing as I'm going to be a manager.

How do I keep doing what I'm doing when I haven't even had the time to grieve for my sister, since I have been there for everyone else. At night when I'm alone, I think of all the good times we had and I think about how she told me how she knew Paul was the one and I start to see that she lived a very full life and she knew what she wanted and she knew that she was doing what was right, even if deep down it hurts like hell that she choose to have a DNR. I know that she is looking down on us right now and seeing that we all miss her so much, but none of us would have wanted her to be alive but not really herself.

Everyday that I see a family, I think that my niece and nephew will never have that. I wish things were different. The drunk driver was from out of state, with a family of his own, who he will never see again. He was 3 times over the legal limit and he has said multiple times how sorry he is for what he did. But I can't claim to say that I care what he has to say. He could have called someone to take him home, or stayed where he was and let them get him a cab home. My sister would still be alive, we wouldn't be in this situation if he would have just called someone for a ride. I don't hate him, I just don't like nor do I accept his appology.

Loosing someone close to you is never fun, you always grieve and always miss them, but you learn to grieve less and nothing will ever change that. It's going to take a while to get used to not being able to call someone, or just go see them. I haven't really cried for her, I have cried because I wasn't there when she had the accident. I am grieving but not I have stayed so focused on my family, that I haven't had time to just cry, and cry and cry. Is something wrong with me or is it just going to hit me one day at the most random time? I have never had this happen so I don't know.

RIP Nikki, we love you and miss you! I will never forget you, and I will always keep your advice tucked deep in my heart.

Moving on...ain't as hard as I thought

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Epiphany

Well, recently I have been having some trouble deciding what I wanna do with my life. Of course I have plenty of people who are willing to tell me how they think I should live my life, according to them. I am working my butt off at my job and it's not the greatest, but it's a job and I am going to be a manager soon. I have a plan for the furture well, atleast a bit of the future. I plan on being at the place I'm  at for another 6 months, having manager experience and then I will start looking for another job. I also want to go back to school, I have already been looking into that, and I'm pretty certain I will be going for pharmacy tech.

Since that plan was put into the works, things have changed, big time. I recently learned that someone I truly cared about passed away. That person is really missed, I didn't get to say good-bye to them and knowing what I know about how they passed has made me realize that I need to live my life for myself. I have decided that I still want to go to school, it's just gonna be put behind for a bit. I need to get out there and live the life of a 22 year old. I know that people my age are working and going to school or are graduating and that stinks to see everyone I graduated with graduating college, starting there career and starting to live there lives.  I have been through enough in my life to realize that they didn't just get that life, they worked for it. I plan on doing that, I just need some time to find who I really am and what I'm really meant to do.

I know that with the choices I have recently made that I'm gonna make a lot of people upset, but as far as I'm concerned, I have lived the way everyone else has wanted me to instead of me living for myself. I want everyone to be happy, but I will not be the one making them happy. I am going to make myself happy before I make someone else happy because if I am only concerned with other peoples happiness then I won't be happy myself.

So basically my epiphany was that I'm not happy with my plans for my life, so I'm working to make myself happy because I deserve to be happy with what I'm doing and my choices. As my cousin told me, "My life. My choices."

1-4 of 4 Blogs   

Previous Posts
It all comes tunbling down, posted June 1st, 2013
Unknown, posted May 23rd, 2013
Losing someone....rips you apart, posted April 1st, 2013
Moving on...ain't as hard as I thought, posted March 6th, 2013
Epiphany, posted February 12th, 2013

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