camoprincess22's Blog

I have been threw things that have made me think I couldn't handle anything else in my life, and I'm sure there were other people that have had to deal with the same thing in there life. But we all learn to move on and heal from it, but I can honestly say that I never thought that this time I would hurt so much.

On March 16th I got up at 3:30 to get ready for work, I had a decent beginning of the day, but then I got some bad news. On the way home my sister and my brother in law had been in accident. I was told my sister just had a broken leg, but it was more and they didn't want to tell me while I was at work. But later in the day I got several phone calls in a row and I knew something was wrong. I listened to the voicemail and knew right then and there that I was never going to be the same.

Me and my sister had a rough relationship, we didn't really know each other well, until I was about 18 and then we got close, then she moved to California and we lost contact, well about a year ago, she moved back because our fathers health wasn't the best and she wanted to be near by and also so his grandchildren could get to know him. During that time she became a mother of a gorgeous blue eyed black headed baby girl named Anna Lindsey. She was my sisters little angel, she had a step son that she considered hers and as far as he was concerned she was his mommy. I loved both Jackson and Anna with all my heart.

At 1:15 I got the news that my sister had been taken into surgery to repair her broken leg and also the head injury that she recieved when a drunk driver hit her and my brother in law when they were on the way home, she went threw the windshield. Her leg was fine, but when they tried to fix the swelling on the brain she went into cardiac arrest. What really makes things horrible, is that at 24 my sister had a DNR, because she didn't want to be kept alive by machines and didn't want them saving her because she thought "If it's my time to go, then, it's my time." I don't fault her for her choices, I just wish she wouldn't have done the DNR so soon in her life. She was 4 months along with another baby that everyone was so excited for.

When I listened to the voicemail I thought ok I can make it through that last 15 mins of my shift, but when a customer said "I need" made me just freak out, I slammed the register and walked off, I had to get out of there, my sister needed me, my niece and nephew needed me. I needed to see my sister. I coulnd't even manage to drive to the hospital. I was a wreck and when I saw my sister lying there so still and pale, I just started yelling, I wasn't mad, I was heartbroken. We just started getting closer and all I could think about was what I lost and that I was never going to see her again and it killed me to know that now Anna and Jackson wouldn't have a mother, and my brother in law Paul had lost his bestfriend and wife.

I went into focus mode, I stepped in and helped my brother in law with the kids, I was trying to stay so strong when I just had a melt down at work and had to cry. The day came when it was time to say our final good-bye. I couldn't cry, I got wasted, drank until I couldn't feel the pain anymore. I have been staying at my brother in laws and taking care of the kids when I can, they need both parents, but they will only ever have there father. My brother in law was having a rough time and almost walked out, his parents want him to sign full custody of both kids over to me. My nephews principal thinks he has some kind of mental disoder because he has been acting up. I am barely running on any sleep when I'm at work, which is stressfull enough seeing as I'm going to be a manager.

How do I keep doing what I'm doing when I haven't even had the time to grieve for my sister, since I have been there for everyone else. At night when I'm alone, I think of all the good times we had and I think about how she told me how she knew Paul was the one and I start to see that she lived a very full life and she knew what she wanted and she knew that she was doing what was right, even if deep down it hurts like hell that she choose to have a DNR. I know that she is looking down on us right now and seeing that we all miss her so much, but none of us would have wanted her to be alive but not really herself.

Everyday that I see a family, I think that my niece and nephew will never have that. I wish things were different. The drunk driver was from out of state, with a family of his own, who he will never see again. He was 3 times over the legal limit and he has said multiple times how sorry he is for what he did. But I can't claim to say that I care what he has to say. He could have called someone to take him home, or stayed where he was and let them get him a cab home. My sister would still be alive, we wouldn't be in this situation if he would have just called someone for a ride. I don't hate him, I just don't like nor do I accept his appology.

Loosing someone close to you is never fun, you always grieve and always miss them, but you learn to grieve less and nothing will ever change that. It's going to take a while to get used to not being able to call someone, or just go see them. I haven't really cried for her, I have cried because I wasn't there when she had the accident. I am grieving but not I have stayed so focused on my family, that I haven't had time to just cry, and cry and cry. Is something wrong with me or is it just going to hit me one day at the most random time? I have never had this happen so I don't know.

RIP Nikki, we love you and miss you! I will never forget you, and I will always keep your advice tucked deep in my heart.

Well, recently I have been having some trouble deciding what I wanna do with my life. Of course I have plenty of people who are willing to tell me how they think I should live my life, according to them. I am working my butt off at my job and it's not the greatest, but it's a job and I am going to be a manager soon. I have a plan for the furture well, atleast a bit of the future. I plan on being at the place I'm  at for another 6 months, having manager experience and then I will start looking for another job. I also want to go back to school, I have already been looking into that, and I'm pretty certain I will be going for pharmacy tech.

Since that plan was put into the works, things have changed, big time. I recently learned that someone I truly cared about passed away. That person is really missed, I didn't get to say good-bye to them and knowing what I know about how they passed has made me realize that I need to live my life for myself. I have decided that I still want to go to school, it's just gonna be put behind for a bit. I need to get out there and live the life of a 22 year old. I know that people my age are working and going to school or are graduating and that stinks to see everyone I graduated with graduating college, starting there career and starting to live there lives.  I have been through enough in my life to realize that they didn't just get that life, they worked for it. I plan on doing that, I just need some time to find who I really am and what I'm really meant to do.

I know that with the choices I have recently made that I'm gonna make a lot of people upset, but as far as I'm concerned, I have lived the way everyone else has wanted me to instead of me living for myself. I want everyone to be happy, but I will not be the one making them happy. I am going to make myself happy before I make someone else happy because if I am only concerned with other peoples happiness then I won't be happy myself.

So basically my epiphany was that I'm not happy with my plans for my life, so I'm working to make myself happy because I deserve to be happy with what I'm doing and my choices. As my cousin told me, "My life. My choices."